Gee whiz, what a flick! It's so stupid it's almost funny. Almost. But not really. Mostly it's pretty dull, but still somehow quite watchable. The music is fantastically awful in its eightiesness. Who better to play Captain America than Matt Salinger? Yes, you read that right. THE Matt Salinger. What? You've never heard of him? Me neither, and considering his performance in this movie, it's no wonder.<br /><br />Serious mindf-ck occurs at the very start of the movie. The blue, red and white title "Captain America" unceremoniously appears on the screen - but we're in 1936 Italy! Some Italian dialogue makes me wonder if I have accidentally gotten hold of a dubbed copy, but my fears are thankfully never confirmed - although I doubt that the Italian dubbing mafia could've done a worse job at characterization than the American cast. Anyway, we see a little Italian dude playing the piano. Some anonymous military bad guy smashes a window and sends his henchmen to blow Italian dude's parents to pieces. It takes a while before we understand what the hell this has to do with anything - no, it's not a scene from "The Godfather" which was accidentally spliced into the film during production - because we quickly cut to:<br /><br />SEVEN YEARS LATER <br /><br />(as an afterthought) 1943<br /><br />World War II is running full throttle and dazed-looking Steve is mugging his way through a tearful farewell to his family and girlfriend, Bernie (and here I was thinking this was a guy's name!). We are treated to such wonderful dialogue as: "It's just that... I love you and I can't stand thinking that I won't know where you are or what you're doing!" Sparks fly, chemistry's high (or maybe it's the scriptwriter) and Steve leaves his old neighbourhood... never to return... OR WILL HE? <br /><br />It turns out Steve signed up for some lab rat work for the accent-ually challenged military. Before he can say "no paycheck is worth this!", he's strapped to a chair, attacked by flashing colours, and Captain America is born. There's no time for celebration, however, because an evil nazi bastard shows up and starts peppering everyone with a prop. What I love about this scene is that the military is carrying out this secret, important experiment in the basement of a bar and it's free for anyone to just drop in! Oh, that and the flashy colours, of course.<br /><br />Captain America is hit and we find out that he's immune to bullets. The accent-ually challenged military guy sends him to stop Red Skull - the Italian dude from the beginning of the movie - a bad guy with a really awful case of acne who thinks the concept of jokes about English lessons is the best thing since spaghetti bolognese. Steve arrives at the bad guy's hideout, some bland action occurs and Captain America shows that he's a complete loser by actually letting this walking advertisement for Clearasil get the better of him. Suddenly strapped to a nuclear missile, Steve grabs hold of Acne Man's wrist and the latter makes the only sensible thing: he uses a knife to slice off... his own hand. That's truly brilliant thinking there, buddy.<br /><br />Then we cut to a poor child actor telling his mum that he's going to be president of the USA when he grows up (FORESHADOWING!). The kid goes outside for some reason and sees Steve America and the nuclear missile in the sky. This is so inspirational to him that he has to rave about it to his blonde-haired snob of a friend, who touches his shoulder in a very disturbing way. I'd just like to point out that this is the WORST CHILD ACTOR I'VE EVER SEEN, EVER! And I've seen The Omen 2006, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, and Stephen King's version of The Shining.<br /><br />50 or so years pass and - voila! - poor child actor #1 has indeed become president of the United States. A lot of boring stuff happens as Steve America is carved out of a block of really authentic-looking ice in Alaska; meets Bernie who's now supposedly 66 (I must say she ages extremely well!), married and has a seriously hot daughter; and has to cope with the cultural changes of the US since 1943, sort of like in "Austin Powers" only less touching. We also find out that Acne Man has magically transformed into Incompetent Plastic Surgery Man (whom I will refer to as IPSM from here on). <br /><br />Some filler scenes, filmed as an excuse for the cast and crew to go to Italy, ensue until we finally get to the climactic showdown between IPSM and Steve America. Now Steve finds himself in a situation where he has to stop IPSM from blowing up Europe (!), but can't because... I.P.S.M. is armed with a machine gun?? What the hell? I thought he was immune to gunfire? Whatever. My brain hurts now.<br /><br />I wouldn't want to spoil the film's ending for you so I'll just leave this already too long plot summary now. Add to what I've just said porn movie actors, a very eighties soundtrack, overly ambitious action with none of the budget it needs to not be a complete joke, and Matt Salinger's... um... original performance as the Captain himself, and you have a film which is actually pretty watchable in an F-movie kind of way. <br /><br />In conclusion: It's exactly stupid and unintentionally silly enough to keep your attention to the bitter end (unlike something like "Bloodrayne", whose stupidity bored me to tears) and really all you could ask for from a good bad movie. It's pretty mean to call it one of the 100 worst movies ever. Remind me never to write a review this long again. My next stop is also an early nineties cheese-fest, this time about vegetable-lovin' freaks: "Troll 2". Pray for my sanity.