15 years ago, a group of producers were planning a MOVIE. This MOVIE would star JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME and would be an ACTION THRILLER. Of course, because of it's PEDIGREE all original thinking would be THROWN OUT OF THE WINDOW. You see, you can never OVERESTIMATE THE INTELLIGENCE OF THE AVERAGE ACTION MOVIE FAN. They don't want myriad PLOTS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN CHARACTERS. No, they want THE MUSCLES FROM BRUSSELS KICKING SOME ASS.<br /><br />So, they drew up a little template that would NOT ONLY FORM THE BASIS OF EVERY FUTURE VAN DAMME FLICK, but would also be COPIED BY COUNTLESS OTHER CHOP SOCKY PRODUCTIONS, especially those of the STRAIGHT TO VIDEO VARIETY. Till now, this proved formula has been A CLOSELY GUARDED SECRET. Just like the recipe of the KRABBY PATTY. Having watched Nowhere to Run though, I think I can take a pretty good stab at CRACKING THE CODE. So here it is. Sorry, studios:<br /><br />1. Think of a stupid title. For a start our hero can escape anytime he wants, plus he rides a restored motorcycle for half the film.. so why would he want to 'run' anywhere?<br /><br />2. Give Van Damme a shady past, something he's not proud of (in this case, being an escaped convict involved in bank robberies), and then halfway through have him blurt out his crime to the love of his life. She immediately rejects him, but decides he's not so bad when he redeems himself by beating up the men who are trying to kill her. As you do.<br /><br />3. Write in two cute kids who see Jean as a father figure, as they lost theirs due to a heart attack. They must be a boy and a girl. The girl has to carry a teddy bear everywhere and shout "MOMMY" a lot the boy has to be spunky and resourceful, even saving our hero's life at one point. Like it or not, he becomes a surrogate father to the little nippers. Bless!<br /><br />4. If the main protagonist does get injured in the course of all his brawling, then don't worry. Put away the medkit, because in the very next scene, the nastiest of cuts will completely disappear! It'll be like nothing happened to him! What a relief!<br /><br />5. The chief villain must be a old dude, wearing a posh suit and with an English accent. All throughout the movie, he has a seemingly endless stream of underlings to do his dirty work for him, but when they're reduced to rubble by The Muscles he should go completely nuts and wave a gun around. Of course this tactic also fails, and the damn Limey is arrested or killed. Phew!<br /><br />6. The hero's love interest should have a rival for her affections who hates him and even sides with the bad guys temporarily to get him out of the picture. He soon as he sees how ruthless these dudes are though, and comes to his senses. He even congratulates the hero on a job well done at the end as he's surrounded by dead bodies. So he was a stand-up guy after all!! <br /><br />7. Have the fight over something completely worthless, like a derelict old farmhouse, that most people would quite happily sell at a profit. One lady though, ain't budging because of it's 'sentimental' value and she'll even tolerate thugs killing her cattle and threatening her life with hooks to keep this ramshackle property. It's in a way of a huge development, you see. Will Van Damme risk his life over this belligerent bint? Your bet your..<br /><br />8. Make full use of your setting. Because this particular film is set in a farm (see 7), in the fight scenes have Van Damme and his opponent use rakes, pitchforks and whatever else happens to be lying around as weapons. But of course, nothing beats the good old uppercut, even if it does take about 10 of them to knock the bad guys over. Hmm.. Maybe The Muscles isn't as strong as we thought.<br /><br />9. Don't forget The Gratuitous Shower Scene (TM). If you can squeeze in a Gratuitous Sex Scene (TM), even better.<br /><br />10. Put in a bunch of second rate John McClane style one-liners to try and give the hero some personality. Examples: 'Au Revior F***er' as he shoots dead an evil henchman, and "No, but I know what you are" when the Brit bad guy (See 5) asks "Do you know who I am?!" Shakespeare it ain't.<br /><br />So to sum it up then: a BOG STANDARD ACTION MOVIE with no bells and whistles, but plenty of Van Damme TAKING NO PRISONERS AND KICKING BUTT. You even get to see HIS at one point. Tee hee. In the pantheon to JCVD films, I would recommend STREETFIGHTER and TIMECOP above this, but if you've WATCHED EVERY OTHER ONE OF HIS CLASSICS then this might be just what the doctor ordered. A HEAD DOCTOR, anyway. Brainless fun, nothing more. 4/10 <br /><br />P.S This review has been especially designed for action genre fans with short attention spans. All important words have been CAPITILISED, so you can just scan through it quickly before getting back to The Last Boy Scout. Hope you appreciate it!