When I was young, I remember fondly of my dad and me watching a few movies together on the television. I liked anything horror, suspense, science fiction, "When-Animals-Attack," or a combination of all four. I recall when the opening credits had the symbol and words "American International" he would laugh and say, "Oh, this must mean this will be a really bad movie." I had no idea "American International" was synonymous with a "B-Movie." Or even what a "B-Movie" was.<br /><br />Later in life, after obviously telling the difference between well-made and "B-Movie," I also learned from one of my favorite television shows, Mystery Science Theater 3000 that not only was "American International" bad, but anything from "Burt I. Gordon" was just as horrible.<br /><br />Ladies, Gentlemen, my father and the crew of the Satellite of Love were correct here. Take their and my warning, stay away from the Empire of the Ants, an American International Burt I. Gordon feature.<br /><br />I can't put my finger on how many bad things, or hilariously bad scenes were in this movie. From the ants that look just as bored as the audience, to the ants that change shape/species from when you see the real to the models. From the outrageous acting, to the down-right laugh-out-loud "evil plan" of the Queen. The introduction/narration should be enough to ward off some viewers or the fact that these ants set up shop, adapt to their new environment and workers literally overnight.<br /><br />Too bad; this probably was a good book from H.G. Wells that I missed.<br /><br />There was only one bright spot in this whole mess: Joan Collins was pitch-perfect in her role. Obviously the best actor of the group (followed closely by the bored ants,) Collins actually had me convinced in her evil-scheming ways. She couldn't save the movie, but at least the movie got an extra ½ star from her performance.<br /><br />What we have here is a boat-load of radioactive waste in the form of some silver 5th grade science project, gets dumped in the ocean (there's a message here!) and lands on a Florida coast where ants greedily accept the substance causing them to grow to human size. Meanwhile, the land's being "sold" to a prospective group of people that come over via boat immediately after the waste lands.<br /><br />Fryser (Collins) and her mate attempt to make the swamp land into investment properties, but the newly grown ants have another agenda. Thankfully, it's not too long for the people to see, or get attacked by the large, screeching ants and the survivors head to a river that will save them. One-by-one they get assaulted until the remaining few make it into a nearby town. There, they enter the Twlight Zone and learn the Queen Ant has been quite the busy lady.<br /><br />The movie's hilarious. It could fall under that "it's so bad, it's fun to watch" genre. And when I was a kid, bad acting, bad special effects, badly made "giant ants" wouldn't stop me from watching. Heck, if I didn't turn it off after my father's warning, then I was going to enjoy being scared by it. I was 5 then.<br /><br />As an adult, this movie is just about unbearable. And these were adults making this movie. Have they no shame? You wouldn't think so, when you hear the ants scream, or them "walking on air" in some hilarious scenes. (I'm guessing they were led down glass tubes and blown up to make them look more menacing, but in reality, it was cracking me up to see them just crawl up in mid-air.) I want this movie remade. I want to see this with a budget and without the Queen story. I said that before with a bunch of other B-Movies I enjoyed as a child, such as The Stuff. Perhaps I will get petitions signed.<br /><br />At any rate, skip this horrible movie. Unless you're under the influence. It might be funnier, but at least you can get through it.