STAR RATING: ***** The Works (which this certainly ain't!) **** Just Misses the Mark *** That Little Bit In Between ** Lagging Behind * The Pits <br /><br />A little girl is kidnapped. Her bed-hopping, stupid (and apparently deaf!) mother calls one of two blokes who may be the father, a violent redneck cop named Mike (Dale 'Apollo' Cook- not credited as the main kickboxing character in the movie!) and a pretty-boy playboy kickboxing expert named David (Evan Laurie- Steven Seagal is a very, VERY good actor after all- Jalal Merhi ain't bad either!) Obviously, they don't get on very well but after a lot of male macho bonding they manage to put their differences aside, race in and save the little girl.<br /><br />80s action movies stopped being made in, well, the 80s. So this is a parody. Yeah, a parody of those movies, right down from the opening with the typically corny 80s opening balled right through, to, well, just about everything else.<br /><br />The acting is indescribably poor (this Laurie just has to be seen to be believed- and so does Cook!) and the script is indescribably stupid. Like two parents being so deaf a fruit machine drowns out a helicopter landing in their back yard! The main villain ringing the clueless parents immediately after and declaring 'I've just kidnapped your daughter!' (well, duh!) And then the ditzy blonde bimbo ringing the cop and saying 'if I get the police involved I'll never see her again' (er, darling.......HE IS THE POLICE!!!) And if dialogue like "your ass is grass...and we're the lawnmowers" is what floats your boat, well, hahahahahahaha, this movie will, well, be right up your street.<br /><br />Anyone who found No Retreat No Surrender amusing will find new heights. Hell, anyone who found Hot Shots! Part Deux amusing will reach new heights. **