It goes without saying that Belgian-born martial artist Jean-Claude Van Damme can do incredible things with his body. The things he can do, with his better-than-average flexibility, seem so acrobatically impossible that it hurts just to write about them. It's cool, that with Van Damme's martial arts background - a black belt in Shotokan Karate, several middleweight full-contact Karate titles, and training in ballet (yes, ballet), which makes his kicks and flexibility defy normal-person standards (not to mention the fact that's he's just one of the most impressively-built men in the world) - his film career would pan out better.<br /><br />"Double Team," directed by the Hong Kong veteran Tsui Hark, is Van Damme's first foray into the world of Asian/American cinema. "Double Team" has an astounding production but that's about it. In a globe-spanning odyssey from Spain, to somewhere in the Mediterranean and finally to the Roman Coliseum, you would expect "Double Team" to be fast & furious Hollywood/Hong Kong action of the first degree. But it's not. The plot is incoherent and insensible, with even worse script-writing and acting (the last is a moot point, but you understand).<br /><br />Van Damme is Jack Quinn, one of the world's leading counter-terrorist experts, who is leading an operation to nab master terrorist Stavros (a plastic-looking Mickey Rourke). When the bust goes down, lots of explosions and gunfire, and in the ensuing chaos, Stavros's wife and young son are killed. A martial arts fight breaks out between Quinn and Stavros but Stavros escapes, and Quinn is badly injured during the course of Stavros's explosive getaway.<br /><br />Presumed-dead-to-the-world and now banished to this shadowy island paradise called "The Colony," Quinn recovers but is made a permanent resident of The Colony along with dozens of other agents who are "too valuable to kill, too dangerous to let loose" (or something similar). The Colony is actually a think-tank of former counter-terrorism experts, who offer their clandestine services to elite clientèle all over the world. Of course, no prison can hold Quinn, who meticulously engineers his escape in one brilliant sequence (the best one in the entire film, in fact), teams up with flamboyant arms-dealer Yaz (Color-me-bad former San Antonio Spurs basketball sensation Dennis Rodman) and together the two go after Stavros, who has kidnapped Quinn's pregnant wife and is threatening to kill her once the baby is born and then raise it has his own.<br /><br />"Double Team" is a ridiculous action-fest the likes of which have yet to successfully transition into mainstream American films. Hark makes sure the action is fast and ridiculous, but it's unfortunate that the rest of the film is not as skillful.<br /><br />The biggest problem is the insane story: it's too insane, too insane for its own good, and lacking brain-power. I understand that the film was originally going to be a much better action thriller with a much smarter plot than what we've got here. But that's Hollywood for you.<br /><br />3/10