All right, get this. There's this Greek muse who shows up to inspire an artist whose life is in the doldrums. They end up falling in love and she makes his dreams come true by helping him open up a nightclub. She also has an acquaintance from way back when pitch in. Unfortunately, there's a bit of a culture clash between the lovers, since muses aren't supposed to fall in love, but it all works out in the end.<br /><br /> Admittedly, this is a pretty outlandish premise. Silly, even. But it's certainly a workable idea, and could have made for a great screwball comedy. But instead what we get out of it is XANADU, a really bad script (blame Richard Christian Danus and Marc Reid Rubel for this one, folks) that somehow got Olivia Newton-John and Gene Kelly attached to it. This script is so bad that not even director Robert Greenwald, editor Dennis Virkler, and cinematographer Victor Kemper, guys who've done good work elsewhere, can fix it. In fact, these poor guys are totally hamstrung by the script's lameness. Even Kenny Ortega, the choreographer behind DIRTY DANCING, ends up turning in bad work (ONJ's dance moves near the end are a mess). And Don Bluth's animation is woefully out of place here. What the heck happened? <br /><br />Now, ONJ, then hot off GREASE, has acting talent. She can do light comedy. We see none of that skill in this film. The playful sexiness this lovely lady had in GREASE is replaced here with being handcuffed to bad plotting (the story goes nowhere, and the characters are as flat as it gets) and even worse dialogue ("Nobody's ever gotten out of here in the whole history of…the whole history!"). Granted, ONJ is a singer first and an actress second, but even Judi Dench would be hard-pressed to make this role work as written. Making this scenario even more of a let-down is the fact that ONJ's costumes are ludicrous and silly. In GREASE, she was (and still is) the embodiment of sex appeal in those black tights and red slides, but she also looked beautiful and appealing in her girl-next-door costumes. In XANADU, she only looks glamorous in this film when she's dressed in the army gear for her number with Gene Kelly, when she's in the chorus line with the other muses, or when she's dressed as the rock diva. Otherwise, she looks totally ridiculous in those goofily-tailored muse dresses (which she wears throughout 90% of the film), that MC Hammer-esque pantsuit, and that horrific FLASH GORDON-type alien gown. And poor Kelly, like ONJ, tries gamely to enliven the proceedings, but not even his charm can overcome such a rotten script. The worst part is, the concept of pairing Kelly and ONJ wasn't a good idea, it was a GREAT idea. And yet here we have two very talented individuals who can't even cut loose and strut their stuff. Simply put, ONJ and Kelly were let down by the film. Again, why? Why would you waste not one, but TWO incredible assets to your film? This only makes XANADU doubly disappointing.<br /><br />And why did they pick a leading man who can't sing, dance, or act? This film could have been given some much-needed snap had ONJ's love interest been played by John Travolta or someone along those lines. But Michael Beck has all the charisma and screen presence of concrete. Simply put, this guy makes Dean Cain and Freddie Prinze Jr. look like good actors (and if that doesn't scare you, nothing will). Also, Wilfred Hyde-White, as Zeus, sounds like he's half-asleep when he's delivering his lines (maybe he realized how bad this movie was). Speaking of music, almost all of the songs are used as background pieces. Rarely do the characters themselves sing. Doesn't this defeat the purpose of a musical? And also, the musical numbers are far too gaudy and over-the-top; the mixing of time-periods doesn't work. The circus acts that show up during the "Xanadu" number don't belong at all (couldn't they have just kept it simple and stuck to singing and dancing?). It also doesn't help that there are only two good songs in this film, "Suddenly" and "All Over The World." Everything else is either headache-inducing are needlessly sugary (the title track is OK, but bland). And what, may I ask, was up with all the abrupt displays of the muses' powers (instant costume changes, vanishing in bursts of light) where NOBODY ever once questions what just happened? This is a MASSIVE, not mention careless, plot hole. Again, why? Why did the filmmakers drop the ball so badly?<br /><br /> This movie gets two stars only because of Gene Kelly and ONJ. Otherwise, this movie was a waste of their talent and time. And even though it's too late for ONJ and Kelly, it would be great to see Hollywood remake this film as the frantic screwball comedy it should have been. The premise of the film is comedically sound, but the final product is far from it.