There are crusty old cynics out there who dare to suggest that Legolas, in Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings, shoots his bow a tad too quickly to be truly realistic. Oh my god, they've seen nothing; nothing to compare to the hilarious nonsense that is Hawk the Slayer.<br /><br />John Terry plays our hero Hawk – no, not the central defender for Chelsea Football Club although, were this true, it would be the least of the casting disasters. Terry was later to appear in Of Mice and Men and Full Metal Jacket – I can only assume his acting had improved on this, his third, film in which he could have single-handedly re-populated the Amazon Rainforest.<br /><br />But ohmygod, there's more. Bernard Bresslaw – yes the big guy from the Carry On films – as a giant. The corpse of Jack Pallance re-animated for one week only to play – of all things – Hawk's evil brother! Ray Charleson as (pause) Crooow, the amphetamined up elfin type. And let's not forget William Morgan Sheppard – the only man in the middle ages to have a crossbow complete with an AK47-style magazine cartridge – "When you absolutely have to kill every MF in the goddamn room, except no substitutes!" What were they thinking? What could they have been thinking?! You also have to wonder what the cast and crew thought when they sat down to watch the post-production cut of this movie. The comedy fantasy names, the dry ice, the tree-lined, side-of-the-motorway set, the disco soundtrack, Jack Pallance looking like nothing so much as John Wayne holding his mighty weapon. They had unleashed a monster. Would any of them survive it? Terry Marcel clearly didn't; a year later he was making the British TV series Bergerac – the directorial equivalent of being sent to the Russian Front.<br /><br />He's my suggestion for this film. Buy it – nothing could ever provide you with more entertainment. Keep it under your bed like it was a porn flick and get it out (so to speak) when your mates come around for a kitsch early 80s revival night. Drink lots of beer (you'll need it when you see the size of Pallance's weapon), slide into a pair of fake leather trousers and press play.<br /><br />Ah, if only they had meant it – it would have been pure genius. 1/10.