One of the strangest man-made laws of film collecting is that extremely rare and impossible to locate movies immediately become cult classics. No one seems to realise that the reason that most of these flicks have vanished in the first place is because they were so jaw-smashingly rubbish that they didn't shift first time around. It would take a pretty stupid filmmaker to recall and stop producing any feature that was flying of the shelves, wouldn't it? Titles like Hauntedween, Night Ripper and Don't go in the woods (especially Don't go in the Woods) are without a doubt a total waste of celluloid. But they still sell on ebay for prices that range from $50 – to as much as a staggering $120 a pop, just because they've become as rare as a teddy boy's quiff. Judging by the posts and wanted lists that I've noticed scattered around on websites, Splatter Farm is among that number of missing obscurities that has inexplicably gained an undeserved following. I already own a copy of this pretty diabolical feature and can tell you right now that it certainly WON'T be getting a decent DVD release. Here are the reasons why…<br /><br />The story concerns two nameless and identically goofy-looking brothers who head out to the sticks for a vacation at their Auntie's secluded farm. Mrs. Lacy is an old coot who keeps telling herself that's she's incredibly lonely since her old man was the victim of an unfortunate 'accident' (an axe to the head!). Her only company on the green grass of home is Jeremy, the handyman who lives in a barn. Unbeknownst to pinkie and perky (the two numbskull siblings), Jeremy is a raving cannibalistic maniac with a taste for necrophilia too. In the first scene alone he's shown dismembering a patently unrealistic corpse, which looks to be made from paper mache. Before long the two nerds are stranded on the farm and have to fight off their auntie's sexual advances and Jeremy's murderous habits… <br /><br />How on earth this has become a cult classic is a mystery that's just beyond my wildest imagination. Ollie Kendall's Houseboat Horror achieved a similar kind of feat when that too took a one-way vacation into obscurity. But Kendall's admittedly poor splatter cheese fest looks comparable to Oliver Stone's JFK when levelled up against this dire mess. Splatter Farm isn't just stark ragingly bad; it's as humiliating for the buyer as it must have been for the people that were involved with the production. Now I know it's nothing to boast about, but as you can see from my review list I can safely say that I know more than most about slasher movies. I've seen them all, from the good (The Prowler/Intruder) to the bad (Last Slumber Party/New York Centre Fold Massacre). Well P.Alan's addition to the cycle is neither good nor bad - it's just ugly, and it doesn't even manage to get the basics right.<br /><br />The first thing that you should know is that this was not even shot on a reasonable format. It's just your average everyday camcorder recording, which makes SOV flicks look like maxivision 48 cinema prints in comparison. The sound is no less than pathetic; and because this was shot only on a camcorder, the Casio keyboard-type score cannot be played at the same time as the dialogue. There's no boom mike available, so the tinny microphone picks up everything other than what you want it to properly and Ray Charles must have edited the whole thing whilst counting sheep. Yes there are gallons and gallons of gore and scenes that could get the movie banned even in Amsterdam, but it's so damn fake and poorly handled that it makes Violent Sh*t look like Tom Savini's finest hour in comparison. I won't mention the performances because basically there aren't enough slanderous words in the dictionary to do them justice. Besides, apparently you can't write swear words on the IMDb, which would leave me unable to give you a full description of the block-like cast members.<br /><br />I want to say that I'm not trying to slander P. Alan's attempt to make his first movie. I think it's great that anyone with a camcorder can grab a few mates and try to do something creative with their spare time. All I'm trying to do is stop the numerous fans paying rip-off prices for a film that just won't deliver what you expect it to. It's certainly a twisted beast with hilarious necrophilia sex scenes that you won't see anywhere else. But like I said, chances are you could pick up a camcorder and make a movie of similar quality with just a couple of your mates and a gallon of corn syrup.<br /><br />I really didn't enjoy Splatter Farm and I reckon that the only fun to be had is hunting down a copy in the first place. If you do manage to find a version available somewhere, then don't spend too much of your hard earned cash, because I'm telling you it's just not worth it. If you're looking for gratuitous gore and shock tactics then try and find an uncut copy of Giallo a Venice or The Grim Reaper instead.