I am sitting at my computer in a daze. I have just finished watching a film called "Dracula's Dog". This is not the kind of film that you could watch and not discuss with someone, IMDb readers, you are my shoulder to cry on for the next few minutes.<br /><br />The plot goes like this: soldiers in Russia are blasting with dynamite and accidentally uncover a tomb. This is no ordinary tomb, readers, it is a "Dracula" tomb, although the foolish soldiers who leave one of their own behind to "guard" the tomb all night do not realize this. Surely they would have known what tragedy might befall this man had they realized it was a "Dracula" tomb they have opened (although the tombs are clearly marked, and they see that among others, Count "Igor" Dracula was laid to rest (?) here.) But no matter...in no time at all, a diabolical dog is unleashed, as well as one Veidt Smith, a man that we later learn is a sort of non-vampire: apparently immortal, but without the craving for blood that marks your typical vampire, or the restrictions to avoid sunlight under penalty of death. This alone raises an interesting concept. I mean, why would vampires continue to make other vampires, doomed to live in darkness and drink blood, when the Veidt Smiths of the world get to roam around carefree AND get to live forever? Seems like a bum deal to me.<br /><br />But don't think about that. Veidt and the dog, after dispatching the unlucky tomb guard, leave the crypt just as it conveniently collapses. See, they are servants of the Dracula family, enslaved by one of the clan many years ago. They need a new Dracula to serve or they will die (a detail that was obviously overlooked by Veidt in the fine print of his immortality contract). Funny, instead of just plucking a stake from any number of skeletons in the tomb (which this movie proves is a surefire way to revive a staked vampire), instead they decide to take the long way around and seek out the last living Dracula descendant, plotting to vampirize him so that they will have a new master to serve. Why this man is not already a vampire anyway, being a Dracula and all, is never made clear.<br /><br />The dog's name is Zoltan, and Veidt can apparently communicate with him via telepathy (he talks a lot without opening his mouth, so either they are telepathic or Veidt is also a talented ventriloquist). Veidt's cover is blown by two nosy officials, Major Hessel and Inspector Branco. They, along with the superstitious locals (who still like to dress as if they are movie extras) live with the everyday reality of vampires. After efficiently burning the bodies of the Dracula clan from the collapsed tomb, they pinpoint Veidt's empty coffin and second-guess his fiendish intentions, but Gad...did they have to discuss the exact address of Michael Drake, the last living Dracula, while Veidt was lurking in the shadows???<br /><br />Veidt and Zoltan, with Branco close behind, are soon off to America, where Michael Drake is about to leave with his family for a nice camping trip. They have two German Shepherds who have just had a cute little puppy (the litter was apparently the smallest ever), and they cart the kids and the dogs off to a part of the wilderness that is sufficiently isolated enough for just the right amount of threat to occur. Veidt and Zoltan follow them to their vacation spot, driving an understated black hearse no less, and they are just waiting for the right moment for the canine cadaver Zoltan to sink his over-sized canines into Michael's neck.<br /><br />What follows is a number of vampire clichés with a canine twist. Zoltan's eyes glow white almost all the time, except when they are uniformly black, that is. The insidious plot to undo Michael and his family involves the rallying of several other formerly friendly dogs who have been vampirized by Zoltan (the "puppy-rises-from-the-grave" sequence is NOT to be missed). Dragged into the plot are a hapless wanderer who stumbles upon the dreaded hearse of Veidt Smith, and two amiable fishermen who are so laid-back that they don't even feel threatened when their dog goes ballistic and takes off into the woods suddenly in the middle of the night.<br /><br />The plot's contrivances come crashing down like fallen trees about every ten minutes or so, with the characters reciting expository dialogue that assumes we are too stupid to predict the plot ourselves (we aren't). The film's intent is to get Branco and Drake together in an even more isolated cabin (no, nothing indecent is going on) so that they can be threatened by the pack of vampire dogs by moonlight (a full moon that never shrinks, even after about four nights!).<br /><br />Will Michael give in to his bloodsucking family tradition? Will Veidt finally get the facelift he so desperately needs? Will Zoltan finally get that trip to PetSmart he's been dreaming about (thank God they're open 24 hours)? "Dracula's Dog" dares to ask these questions and others that none of us ever thought we would be faced with.