FOUR ROOMS / (1995) *1/2 (out of four)<br /><br />"I'm in a situation I can't begin to explain." -Ted the Bellhop<br /><br />You can say that again! For Ted the Bellhop, things go from strange, to stranger, to even stranger in the comedy "Four Rooms," a film that is really four films by four separate teams of filmmakers, all linked by location and a single character under increasingly urgent circumstances. When another character asks Ted his problem, his response is right on the money: "Problem? I haven't got a problem. I've got f*cking problems. Plural." One could also say that about this movie, a confusing, pointless mess of stale, unfunny humor, overacted characters, and a load of Hollywood stars and filmmakers so prestigious that it makes us wonder why such people would involve themselves such an unentertaining flop.<br /><br />"Four Rooms" stars Tim Roth in a biting, fanatical performance as Ted, a bellhop working at a faded hotel. He is the only person on duty this night, and he really gets his hands full. In the first story, called "The Missing Ingredient," written and directed by Alison Anders, Ted checks in a clan of witches who try to perform a resurrection but can't because they lack a certain component in their spell. Naturally, its semen. What other bodily fluid is there in movies these days? Ted is the only male around, therefore, its only a matter of time before Ted finds himself seduced by a bare-breasted witch.<br /><br />The next segment, called "The Wrong Man," written and directed by Alexander Rockwell, is equally as bad, if not worse (it's a tough call) as the first. Ted walks into a room with a manic depressive lunatic who holds his wife at gun point to test her fidelity. Ted becomes the middle man, with no where to run and nowhere to hide.<br /><br />Robert Rodriguez writes and directs the film's best part, though that's not saying a whole lot. It's called "The Misbehavers" and features Rodriguez's "Desperado" actor Antonia Banderas. He leads his rich, fancy family to the hotel, then abandons his two chaotic children to spend New Year's Eve with his lovely wife. He pays Ted five-hundred dollars to baby-sit them for a few hours. After a predictable hell breaks loose, Ted concludes this situation with the following reflection: "There's a putrid, rotting corpse of a dead whore stuck in the springs of the bed. There's rooms blazing afire. There's a big fat needle from God knows where, stuck in my leg, infecting me with God knows what. And finally there's me, walking out the door, right f*cking now. Buenas noches."<br /><br />"The Man from Hollywood" is the film's finale, by "Pulp Fiction" director Quentin Tarantino. Tarantino himself stars as an obnoxious Hollywood star who rents a suite with his bizarre arrangement of friends, including Bruce Willis as a man with marital difficulties. By the time Ted walks in, they're drunk and doing a replay of an old Alfred Hitchcock TV episode where a man bets he can light his lighter 10 times in a row. If he loses, he also loses his pinkie finger. This episode probably holds the record for containing the most four letter words in twenty minutes.<br /><br />"Four Rooms" has reportedly been substantially cut since its disastrous September 1995 screening at the Toronto Film Festival, but it's hard to imagine the film running any longer. The first half is a painful experience, while the second half is simply not good. The film has a lot of energy, a cute little theme song and opening credit sequence, and Tim Roth is hard at work here, quirky and full of life. But he is all by himself, not supported by the writing--there are problems within his character. The key to a movie like this is to keep the connecting character consistent through his experiences.<br /><br />However, "Four Rooms" changes him from meek and timid to explosively reactive. It's hard to laugh at jokes about abnormalities when the main character is almost deranged himself.<br /><br />The four film's connect well, and I kind of liked some of the material in the closing segments, including the performances by Bruce Willis and Quentin Tarantino. But even here the situation is disposable and the dialogue is all over the wall. "Four Rooms" keeps us stuck in a series of stories that are not funny, entertaining, or engaging, but lackluster and deprived.<br /><br />The film was released on Christmas Day, which really amazes me. This movie is R-rated and intended for adult audiences only, containing everything from plotless nudity to streaming vulgarisms. Most movies released on this family-oriented holiday are, well, somewhat tactful, but not "Four Rooms." The sheer nerve of the studio to release the film on December 25th should in itself be a good sign of its audacity. Consider yourself warned.<br /><br />