"Mercenary for justice"- surely a candidate for oxymoron of the year -is the first Stephen Seagal movie I have seen since the excellent "The Foreigner" and I am disappointed to report that the dear boy has let his love for the folding green overcome his artistic sensibilities once more.What are you like,Steve? That is not actually a rhetorical question because what he is like is clearly Stephen Fry on steroids - physically rather than intellectually you understand.Now I am old and flabby,but my excuse is that I'm also poor and anonymous,I don't go to the gym(I wouldn't know what to do if I ever got there)and I don't have a personal trainer,a life coach or any other of those completely essential adjuncts to showbiz fame.Mr Seagal has no such cop outs.He is an "Action Movie" star,not a bleeding couch potato yet his spare tyre is bigger than the one on David Beckham's Hummer. But I still kind of like him,strange isn't it?An affection forged in the white heat of his masterpiece "Under Siege" still holds sway. Love is certainly strange,but "Mercenary for Justice is a step too far,even for so staunch an admirer. The first ten minutes made me laugh more than the whole of "The Bucket List".A blonde - haired lady with muscular thighs and some sort of circus costume jumps on and off lorries killing highly - armed soldiers before disappearing from our ken rather mysteriously.That bloke from Bros should have stuck to causing pre - pubescent girls to lose bladder control because there's more future in that for him than in acting. The movie is cut(I hesitate to use the word "edited") like the kind of video game you might find on a malfunctioning machine in the Amusement Arcade on Brighton Pier. And our hero?Needs to hang up his black combat pants at least until he can find a proper movie to work in.Perhaps "Under SIege 3",set in a Franciscan Monastery where the chief monk geezer is holed up in the bell tower with an Ingram and Britney Spears.No?Well stranger things have happened,and if it ever comes to pass remember you read it here first.